No, Venting Doesn't Make You Feel Better

The single most destructive use of your time is complaining. Complaining is basically you picking a fight with reality. And in that fight, I promise you, reality is undefeated. You're saying something is and you don't think it should be right? Like traffic is. And I don't think it should be. That person is who they are, whatever it is.

And I don't think that they should be. Somebody did something that they shouldn't have done, in my view, or I would have done something different. Whatever the flavor is like, whatever you're you're fighting is reality, and it's a recipe for misery because traffic is that person just is. And and complaining doesn't change it one fucking bit.

It makes it worse. A lot of people think complaining is a release valve, that if I if I vent it out, I'm going to feel better. And what most studies show, that's not what happens. You know, you you complain, you hear yourself complain. You reinforce the thing that you're complaining about. You dig in, you strengthen a position that's diametrically opposed with reality, by the way, and the pressure doesn't release it, the pressure builds it.

What I have found in seen and Observed is that complaining compounds in three ways. One is opportunity cost. Like all the time in the energy that you burn. Complaining is the exact time and energy that you need to either change how you're responding to the situation, or change what's actually changeable about it, and complaining depletes the very fuel that you need to fix the thing as best that you can.

Two. It doesn't change the outcome of anything. Like all the complaining in the world won't change how somebody responds, even when you're complaining directly to them, by the way. People don't respond to being nagged. People don't respond to being complained at. People don't respond to being bitched at.

And if it's a circumstance, complaining isn't going to move the needle at all. And then three complaining attracts complainers because people like me, I'm allergic to complainers. Like when I. When I see this as a pattern with somebody, I run the other way. I want no part of being in their circle, because it tells me almost everything that I need to know about somebody else.

So the people that you're left with are the ones like the people that could help you. Probably leaving the people that you're left with are other complainers, because other complainers are attracted like magnets, reinforcing each other's complaining. Imagine that room. Like, who in the fuck wants to be there?

So what do you do instead? Two things. First, accept what is like some real life version of the Serenity Prayer. Like accept the things that you can't change. Change the things that you can know what the difference is. Call it stoicism. Call it CBT. Call it whatever you want. Like accepting reality for what it is.

Figuring out what you can actually change and then learning to tolerate the rest of it. That is one of the most valuable skills that you can build in life, and it doesn't mean that you've got to be chipper, doesn't mean you've got to be fake optimistic about all, like, all the shit that happens. Like, sometimes you just endure.

Like, sometimes when shit happens, you just roll up your sleeves. I don't have any but roll up your sleeves. You just do the things that you don't want to do. You don't have to be thrilled about it. That's a very different energy than complaining. Second. And a lot of people think this one is kind of cheesy.

Um, is voice the opposite? Like out loud? I watched something last year from Jesse Ensler. Anybody who's worked with me in the past year has probably seen this. Um, the gist of it is the words that you speak matter, right? And I don't fully understand the science behind it, but I swear to God, it's true. When you catch yourself about to bitch, about to complain, say the opposite.

Out loud. In the most convincing way that you can. So you hear yourself say it like I use it when I'm running. Like the Mexican heat I, I can huff, I can puff, I can bitch about the heat. Or I can sometimes yell when I'm about to complain. Man, I feel fucking outstanding. It's crazy. I just don't get tired. And when I say it, it does something to my body physically, physiologically, it does something to my psyche.

Here's the clip.

He says, I know you're going to be thinking, this is hard. I'm tired, I got blisters. Or in your case, I'm not good at sales. We don't come from money. I don't have enough experience. I know you're going to have those thoughts, but we're never going to speak the words. Because if we speak those words, we give them power.

The next time shit happens and it feels like the world isn't going your way, just tell yourself, like, this is reality. You know, like I heard on Chris Williamson's podcast, you know, when it's you against reality, it's it's reality a million you zero like it is undefeated. So complaining isn't going to change that.

So what can you do about it. That's the real answer. Hope this helps. Audios.